Sunday my aunt and uncle went out to a concert. Ella was left with a work friend. The week before that when they went out she was left with someone else, who was also not me. Both were nights I would have made myself readily available. I had a little nervous breakdown yesterday, with the crying in the shower and the shaking and sleeping for 16 hours. Today there was crying in the office and outside and taking too many smoke breaks. I texted my aunt and asked blatantly if I could ever expect to see Ella again and got no response. I guess that's my answer.
I feel like a little part of me died. One of the bright, shiny pieces that I would have liked to keep. One of the happy pieces. And I can't make it come back.
This is what happens when I let myself love too much; both with Bryan and with the baby. It makes me hurt. It makes me lose pieces of myself. It makes me weak.
I really don't think he's ever going to let me see her again. And there's nothing I can do, I have no rights. He blames me, he doesn't care what was happening to me, and he's angry. I can't fix that.
I just miss her so much. She's the one thing in my life that always made me smile, no matter how depressed I was. There were a few times I was in so much pain from my headaches that I honestly wanted to die, but she would smile at me and I would feel better, just for a minute. Now I don't even get to hear her voice.
I guess in fifteen years I can talk to her again, if she remembers who I am.
"It's only love, but love has been hurting so long..." Heather Nova
1 comment:
what are they going to do at family get-together's move her from one room to the next. I know patrick is hurting in his own way, but he will have to move on and stop punishing you for what was going to happen.
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